Random #19

Agak kekok untuk kembali menulis, setelah begitu lama tidak menulis. Apatah lagi hari-hari yang semakin sibuk dengan dunia harian, kerja, membuatkan makin kurang masa untuk membaca, dan aku seolah-olah sudah mula kehilangan perkataan dan huruf satu demi persatu. Perasaan makin sukar diungkap, kerana aku jarang meluah sejak kebelakangan ini, dan aku merasakan semuanya makin tersimpan jauh di dalam benak.

Aku mula berhenti berkarang panjang, sejak aku mula berkerja. Malah, untuk tahun ini sahaja tiada sebarang post di ig post, facebook. Ada dalam beberapa tweet di twitter yang boleh dibilang dengan jari. Aku mula menghadkan apa yang patut dikongsi di media sosial. Aku terasa media sosial seperti dunia palsu, kerana semuanya hampir menunjukkan kesempurnaan, dan membuatkan aku sentiasa memandang diri aku serba tidak cukup walaupun sebenarnya aku di kedudukan yang terbaik yang Allah beri.

Tidak pasti sama ada negatif yang datang dari diri sendiri, atau sebenarnya manusia di sekeliling semakin riak dan bangga dengan kehidupan sementara yang Tuhan beri pinjam, tapi sangat terasa kehidupan sedang bergerak ke arah yang kurang produktif dan positif, setiap kali terbanding kehidupan dengan yang lain. Kadang-kadang ternangis sendiri, sebab terasa seorang diri berjuang lawan rasa kecewa dengan diri sendiri, seorang diri memaksa diri menanam rasa baik sangka dan positif, seorang diri berdoa mengadu kepada Tuhan kenapa masih tidak terlihat hikmah-hikmah yang Dia beri.

Tuhanku, ampuni aku. Penuhi diri aku dengan seribu kesyukuran.

p.s: nak tulis banyak-banyak lepas ni. maybe kena buat reminder, so that selalu bukak blog. 

A Blank Start Up

Today is really relaxing and blissful, with nice weather and the breezy air around.

Last Friday, my officemate visited me at home. She was on leave on that day and coincidentally, I was doing my office tasks from home. She has brought to me some food too, and we had our lunch together. We were also talking randomly and have some discussion about life, job and study while enjoying our food. There a few opinions that she has pointed out, and her points had my interest to ponder again and again. As soon as she left by, I kept on thinking that and I do feel as she feels.

One of her says is she felt that her mind seems like not growing eventhough she is working in education area. And I think she was right.

The time passed so quickly, however I don't feel like my mind is growing up either mentally or spiritually as I'm working here. I am still thinking in the same way as before since I graduated on last year, and there is nothing much different between previous time and now. I start to feel like my mind is getting slower just like stunted, either in pointing out opinions, getting the idea of anything or in expressing my feelings. Even when I wanted to start writing here again, I found it is hard on myself and I took a longer time for getting the idea, choosing suitable words and rephrasing them in proper manners (yes, eventhough I am an editor which I used to deal with words, sentences and paragraphs, text, everyday).

It quite frustrating to be honest when I realized I had gone through difficult and more challenge life in prior, but now I didn't get any further achievement, something to be proud of. I know I can go further than I achieved, but now I stuck here, in the middle of this hectic life just because I need a job and money to survive.

Being an editor was not really help myself in growing up my mind in other perspective, and my brain is not getting more than being passive and unproductive. Besides that, I started to feel how useless I am because I'm still staying in the same comfort zone after went through a challenging life, and it is really something unsatisfied from deep down inside.

It's almost a year (since being as Editor) and I do feel so much differences between  how I spent my 1-year during MSc. with in working life. I can said that I did fill and spent my time much better way during MSc. and I really lived my life to fullest. I knew my target and my aim (which to pass my MSc.), I love in seeking knowledge, and that are the reasons why I really appreciated my precious moments and not simply spend it freely on useless things . But now I lost my enthusiasm in life and start thinking to further my study back (my mom will scold me for this, kohkoh).

I am thinking should I get married (lol) or further my study? Because it seems like I don't learn anything since being an employee, and apparently I will get bored with my life if I continuously staying like this.

My friend used to say, be grateful because there are other people who are still fighting to land a job, and I realized I am quite lucky enough to get a job before convocation, eventhough it's not a secure position which I can simply lost my job within an eye-blink. However, there is still a moment which I feel very empty and I do really want to look out for another things that I can achieved.

I really wished for a miracle for this year 2018. May there is something appeared which leads me out from this miserable feeling and confusion, and hopefully everything will happened by God will, in order to keep us closer to Him. Amen.

Kelip-kelip

Aku pernah secara spontan minta dia bercerita apa-apa tentang rezeki sebelum tidur, supaya aku bersangka baik dengan rezeki, sebab aku hampir hilang harapan. Kemudian dia menceritakan begini,

"Aku tak sure nak bagi ayat macam mana sebenarnya pasai rezeki. Tapi aku teringat cerita ustaz class philosophy aku. Dia cakap kan, seluruh dunia ni sebenarnya mcm tgh berkelip2 centu. sebenarnya kalau kita tengah bergerak dari satu titik A ke titik B, bukan badan kita yg bergerak. Bukan cell2 kita yang bergerak. Bukan setiap atom kita yang bergerak dari point A ke point B. Tapi sebenarnya kita berkelip. Kalau istilah wayang atau graphic, kita panggil framerate. Kita berkelip dalam framerate yang sangat tinggi. Maksudnya, dari titik A ke titik B, segala atom2 kita sebenarnya hilang dari titk A, kemudian diwujudkan semula di titik B. Contoh laa tapak tangan kita skrg terbuka, pastu kita genggam. Dari detik tapak tangan kita terbuka, hingga jadi genggam sepenuhnya tu, dah beribu, mungkin berjuta kali dah atom2 kita dan seluruh dunia ni 'berkelip'. Hilang wujud, hilang wujud, hilang wujud. Dalam masa satu saat jaa, mungkin kita dah berjuta kali 'hilang'. 

Ustaz aku cakap, ni tuhan punya kuasa, dia buat kita hilang dan wujud berjuta kali, dalam masa satu saat. Masa tu, aku yang sangat2 faham konsep framerate dalam graphics computer terasa keciknyaa kita. Mula2 aku terbayang seluruh anggota badan aku 'berkelip2'. Pastu masa tu aku start notice setiap aku punya pernafasan, degup jantung, bunyi2 yang telinga aku detect, cahaya yang masuk ke mata. Semua benda tu tuhan buat 'berkelip2'. Belum kira seluruh bumi, angkasa dan cakerawala. Pastu aku rasa kagum, benda yg ustaz tu ckp, boleh rangsang minda aku smpai mcm tu. aku taktau laa kot org lain tak rasa mcm aku, aku sorg jaa mcm tu. Pastukan, bila hang tanya tentang rezeki tadi, aku teringat cerita ni, dan aku terpikiaq, dalam satu saat tu tuhan dah bagi berjuta, beratus juta rezeki, nikmat kat kita. Bayangkan dalam berjuta kali berkelip tu, kita hilang wujud, hilang wujud, hilang wujud, kemudian tiba2 tuhan tarik rezeki kita, hilang tak wujud dah."

Teori tu tak pasti, tapi aku rasa lega. Hari ini aku sangka aku nampak kelipan rezeki, kelipan yang jelas, tapi bila dah nampak kelipan, tiba-tiba kelipan tu hilang tak muncul lagi. Bukan rezeki. 

Terima kasih ada di sebelah. 

Perjalanan yang tamat

Hari yang paling dinanti. Perasaan gemilang hadir dalam jiwa, seolah-olah sebagai tanda sorakan kemenangan. Hari yang memberikan pengiktirafan pada diri setelah berlelah berhari-hari saban bertahun-tahun. Hari untuk dipanjatkan kesyukuran setelah melepasi pelbagai ujian. Hari yang membuktikan bahawa kejayaan itu ada untuk setiap kesungguhan yang dibayar. 

Masih ingat bagaimana setiap fasa dilalui dengan penuh sabar, sungguh tanpa sedar pengorbanan yang banyak telah dilabur hanya untuk satu impian. Termasuk dengan langkah diambil dengan penuh keterpaksaan untuk menamatkan apa yang telah mula. Entah berapa ribu langkah sudah diambil, sehingga keringat dan air mata silih berganti. Kadang-kala diselangi tawa menceriakan suasana. Syukur, buat detik-detik yang tuhan kurniakan tanpa syarat untuk dirasa, dan insan yang hadir membuatkan bibir masih mampu untuk mengukir senyuman dalam lelah.

Di majlis pengijazahan, entah berapa kali mata bergenang tanpa sengaja. Tidak pasti dari arah mana mak dan abah duduk memandang terus ke pentas ketika mengambil ijazah. Tetapi ketika mula majlis, air mata hampir tumpah kerana tidak percaya, seakan-akan masih dalam mimpi. Ketika ucapan naib canselor, ketika naik ke pentas untuk pengijazahan, ketika tunduk hormat kepada ibu bapa sebagai simbolik penghargaan atas jasa, mata sentiasa bergenang.

Menuntut ilmu memerlukan perjuangan yang besar, mengorbankan banyak perkara. Jangan dikata hanya tentang harta, masa yang berharga juga telah banyak dilabur hanya untuk setitis dari selautan ilmu. Mungkin perjalanan telah tamat, namun pencarian ilmu adalah perjalanan yang tiada noktah.

Graduasi, 30 Oktober 2017

Quick mind rant

I know, it was quite a long time ago since the last time i updated here. I am busy with the workloads, i missed to update about my travel to Yogyakarta, my new job as Editor, how i shifted here in Shah Alam, how was my viva going on, and now, i will graduate soon and i hope will not miss updating this. It's just about 7 months, but everything was flying so quickly without realizing it just passed like that, and i feel so regret when nothing interesting stories were updated here anymore, like previously i did.

However, i thank to God even he put me in the way that i was not preferred. It was really an unimaginable journey, meet various kinds of people, got a chance to have a wonderful trip with wonderful friends and the most important thing, i've done my viva with flying colours and will graduated soon as i wished. Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah.

The truth is, it was such a blessings from God which brought me here, like reclaiming back what i have lost and shattered, and brought me people who always support what i did, trust me, let me forget almost the sadness and bitterness of stories which i will never turn back.

May the suffers end here. Hopefully.

Should I miss old-of-me?

I have to admit that i miss the old of me recently. It's quite strange to have this kind of feeling, but once you realized that you are changing to someone else that you think "that-was-not-me", then you will start thinking you are losing yourselves. And the worst part is, it has changed into something like you don't prefer, as being easily negative in any certain situation, emotional at almost time, and cannot bear for any hard/stressful moment. You just like want to simply go out from there, or much more crazier like screaming to each of those to go away like if they can just simply go away like people did. 

This is also significant to us that we have been pressurized from surrounding which at last turn out ourselves slowly without we realized. At the end, we just keep blaming on ourselves for anything what we have done or we have chosen, discriminate ourselves from people, inferior to each of single things and cannot see any positivity for any kind situation. These sounds too unmotivated, isn't? When i've read my previous post here most of them are too emotional and i start realized i lost my perspective.

I missed the old me – the one who always has a back up plan for anything, always wanted to try new things fearlessly, not easily cried nor even lose appetite for simple issues, enjoy in every single moment had gone through in live excitedly. I still remember how i felt all of those when i was just starting my MSc. life. I was eagerly going to library and borrow some books (because i start loving books when entered ukm), excited to try anything new and explore new places that i had never gone through before during my degree life, always look positive side to plan my schedule life and also struggling in creating good interpersonal of me. Even surprisingly, i started getting out myself for a jog – to "live in active lifestyle" (thanks to arwah kerol for this).

But somehow, the challenge of life hit me continuously and made me stumble more than i ever imagined. The sadness, inferiority and anxiety were rooted slowly. I don't know either i am not treating myself in the right way or maybe because i let all of these without any cure. I have to admit another thing too, which is falling in love during my MSc. was the BIGGEST mistake in my life (but inevitably, love was also the most awesome feeling i ever felt. It's just like a package.). And it's just like making me become worse. The failures and heartbroken feeling just made me chaotic, i could not control myself, hopeless and gloomy at almost time, i lose my appetite, hm, what more? It was so terrible even hard for me to concentrate on my work, research, study because i keep on focusing on my failures, my fears. I scared of another failures, until i don't want to take any more steps and choices. Like i lost my vision, and that was such a pathetic moment.

Until when i was in the middle stage of writing up my thesis, i just think, oh god, how can i let myself suffer like this for a long time. I was trying to look out for a silver lining for every moment, finish unfinished work, decided to go through everything. It quite tired and burst my eyes into tears in most of my prayers (i can said in every week i cried almost everyday, especially during dhuha and asar. And i dont why) , but that is how actually i could find myself and my serenity. I never blamed Allah for this, but somehow i grateful to Allah for tracking down myself back onto the right path. It was beautiful-bitterness journey which taught me a lot of things and showed to me that Allah always here, beside me, beside us, beside ourselves. At the same time, with faith to the fullest, i remarkably realized there is no one can help you unless God. It trained me out, become turning point to be the most tawakal person (and this is actually how the idea of post logik satu tambah satu came out), and as He said in the Quran:

And whosoever places his reliance on God, then God is all that he needs. (Quran 65:3)

My the most favourite ayat, which is actually a part from ayat seribu dinar.  I put this ayat as a note, and paste it in my area wherever i used to study or work. People might easily say, "put tawakal on Allah", but the truth is, it is actually more than that. Tawakal is not only a prayer and hope. It is full of trust that we have to put that only Allah s.w.t. can help us to go through on something, even we didn't find the way out. It was difficult and challenging at the beginning, because some circumstances happened in life let me think i'll not able to go through, i thought it was impossible and even i got stuck to find out any way out. I tend to doubt on my life, become a worry person, and this has made me feel harder to put full of tawakal with this doubt inside myself. At this moment, i finally realized we should not have doubts with His plan if we totally have worship of Him. Sometimes God gave us test and circumstances just to test our faith on Him. If we trust Him, be patient, somehow God will show us the way that we never expect. That's how tawakal works. 

The fate from Allah had somehow been beautiful, and sometimes it might take time for us to realized the meaning of each. I realized, i easily become fear and scare with my own life because i've doubt with His plan unconsciously, and not fully put my hope in my dua. We actually have to confide ourselves that Allah will fulfill our dua everytime we ask help from Him.  

I admit i missed me so much, and how i wished to return back for anything that i've lost. But, life is nothing without test, without changes, without experiences. We have to accept changes as God actually gave us things that we actually need even we think we won't. We have to forgive people, forgive ourselves especially for what we have done to ourselves, even though sometimes it is something that unacceptable. This is how we actually gave ourselves a chance again for a better change. Life is full of failures and rejections that we cannot avoid or run away, but we have to accept.

Should i miss my old? Well, i still missed myself even people said no, but at the same time i think i should love for what i have right now. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

Cuma, kena teruskan mengubah diri kepada lebih baik. Sebab terasa banyaknya kelemahan. Supaya hidup itu sentiasa ada matlamat, tak kosong, kan?

Permulaan yang lambat

Baru tersedar satu perkara. Bahawasanya dah masuk bulan Februari, dan aku masih belum post apa-apa pun untuk tahun 2017. Kebiasaannya memang setiap tahun at least satu post akan ditulis pada awal Januari untuk setiap tahun sebagai permulaan. Tetapi mungkin kali sebab terlalu sibuk dengan penulisan dan penyerahan tesis, maka segala cerita pasal blog terus terlupa.

Okay, will update new post very soon (sebab currently jobless, muahaha), masih mencari ilham sebenarnya, di samping nak try kurang untuk habiskan masa .pada facebook. Entah berjaya ke idok. Macam adik selalu bising, "hang ni kak, banyak ja plannya, tapi satu pun tak buat last-last". Lol

Besides, i am trying my best to appreciate whatever coming for this year and be grateful on every second passes. Sebab terasa positivity dalam diri tu makin kurang. Kena banyak membaca dan menulis balik nampak gayanya. 

So yap, rabbi yassir wala tua'ssir. 

😃

Makcik Kerepek

Putrajaya is one of my favourite hotspot. Kalau ada kenderaan sendiri, rasanya mungkin setiap minggu pergi Putrajaya tu untuk melepas sendu.

Memandangkan mun baru sahaja selesai dengan interviewnya, maka kami tiada apa-apa perancangan melainkan terus terfikir untuk menghabiskan masa di dataran Putrajaya sambal melihat gelagat orang bermain roller blade, basikal elektronik dan giant bubble. 

Sambil bersembang di tengah-tengah dataran Putrajaya, tiba-tiba mata aku terpandang seorang makcik yang berjalan kearah kami dengan penuh dikiri dan kanannya dengan bungkusan aneka kerepek dan keropok. Aku secara spontan terus bertanya jenis kerepek yang dijualnya, sambil niat dalam hati,

“Maybe boleh amik satu kot tolong makcik ni”.

Makcik kerepek tu memang peramah, Entah macam mana dari hanya nak menjual kerepek akhirnya dia duduk bersila di depan kami berdua sambil bercerita tentang anak-anaknya. Apatah lagi bila mengetahui dia juga berasal dari utara, perbualan kami menjadi lebih panjang dengan dialek utara.

Dan aku terus memulakan perbualan dahulu, memandangkan aku yang beriya nak beli kerepek makcik ni, Makcik ini hanya terus bercerita, mengenai anak lelaki yang sakit (umur anak dia dalam 30an), dan disusuli dengan beberapa soalan dari aku dan mun, menyebabkan perbualan menjadi lebih panjang. Oh ya, apabila aku berkata mengenai anak dia sakit, dia bukan sakit biasa. Penyakit berkenaan otak dan nerve problem, tapi bukan gila. Boleh kerja secara normal, tapi kalau skip ubat, nanti tantrum dia datang dan boleh jadi macam orang gila. Aku lupa scientific term untuk penyakit ni, mun ada explain panjang pasal penyakit ni (Nota: Btw, ini bukan autism. Ekeke).

Maka ceritanya terus bersambung. Dari cerita anak lelakinya yang sakit, kemudian disusuli anak perempuannya yang sudah menjadi janda. Aku juga pandai sangat pergi tanya "anak seorang je ke? ". K min k.

Okay janda. Janda. Dah kenapa mencabar sangat jalan cerita keluarga dia ni. Anak perempuan dia seorang cikgu, lulusan universiti malaya (kalau tak silap). Tidak pernah bercinta. Tidak pernah "berkawan"dengan mana-mana lelaki, dan kemudian menantunya (sekarang dah jadi bekas menantu) masuk meminang.

"Saya janji makcik, saya akan jaga anak makcik dengan baik. "

Dan menantunya mengungkapkan kata janji itu temateri di depan masjid. Tapi akhirnya 5 tahun kahwin, bekas menantu dia bawa perempuan lain, abaikan anak sendiri dan tinggalkan anak perempuannya hilang pergantungan. Oh tuhan, aku dengan mun masa dengar cerita ni memang berasap la juga. Dah la janji depan masjid!

"Anak makcik punya la baik, tak pernah bercinta dengan kawan dengan mana-mana lelaki, lepas tu terima lelaki tu sebagai suami, dia buat anak makcik macam ni. Makcik ingat lagi, bila dia janji dengan makcik, dia nak jaga anak makcik dengan baik, di depan masjid dia berjanji, "saya janji makcik, saya akan jaga anak makcik dengan baik", tapi akhirnya dia sendiri yang abaikan anak makcik, dia bawak balik betina mana, tinggaikan anak makcik dengan cucu makcik dekat rumah. Dia biaq anak dia, bila si anak sangat perlukan kasih sayang seorang ayah, setiap hari anak dia tanya, "papa mana papa?" yang dia, usung betina lain. Sampai demam anak dia sebab seminggu dua tak nampak ayah dia."

Aku dah tak berani sampuk banyak dah, Sekejap lagi makcik tu menangis situ, aku dengan mun pun menangis situ. Sudahlah aku dengan mun masa tu emosi tak stabil. Cuma ada sekali, aku cakap begini,

"Eishh, ni saya takut nak kahwin ni makcik."

"Makcik cerita bukan nak menakutkan, tapi sentiasa bersedia."

"Makcik nampak ampa orang baik-baik ni saja la pesan, supaya beringat. Supaya sentiasa bersedia. 

Masa part "bersedia" tu, aku dah macam terkesima sekejap. Dan banyak kali betul ulangan pasal bersedia tu. Betul, benda macam-macam boleh jadi, maka sentiasa lah bersedia. Perbualan yang memang panjang lebar, hari itu kiranya aku dan mun dapat "free advice" dari stranger pasal perkahwinan. Dan lepas dia selesai bercerita, dia akhirkan perbualan tu dengan satu lagi "final advice",

Lagi satu, jagalah mak ayah sebelum depa mati. "

Dem. Aku rasa masa tu empangan air mata masa tu dah pecah. Aku dengan mun bersalam dengan makcik tu, dan makcik tu terus berlalu pergi. Aku mengalihkan pandangan ke mun, k.  Mata mun dah berkaca dah. Aku rasa cerita pasal mak ayah ni memang akan "menang" sepanjang zaman. Sesiapa pun boleh tersentuh kalau sebut isu ibu ayah.

Aku terasa lagi nak bergenang bila dengar intonasi makcik tu yang slow dan lemah, seolah-olah penat, dengan cerita hidup dia yang sampai ke sudah tiada henti dengan ujian hidup, bila mana sepatutnya makcik tua sebegitu duduk sahaja di rumah, biar anak-anak ambil alih semua tanggungjawab. Dan dia, masih mengusung bakul dan beg yang penuh kerepek dan menjaja di dataran Putrajaya, masih menanggung anak dia yang dah dewasa, terpaksa tengokkan anak perempuan dia yang dah jadi janda.

Oh tuhan, sungguh nikmat kehidupan yang Engkau beri padaku benar-benar nikmat besar!

Random #18

After a long time i leaved my blog, now here i come again. Sampai rasa blurred sebentar sebab memang tak tahu apa nak tulis. Rasa tak tahu nak express apa. 

So ya, i just make a timeline here, to throwback what actually i have done within last 2 months;

• Early of October: went to Pahang for Firah's weeding.
• Middle of October: sent notice for thesis submission to the faculty (including fill the form and preparing the abstract for that which i've started since early of October).
• 22-23 October: went to SMAP Kajang for Bitara STEM program (for first session). Oh ya, i've prepared the wishes in blog for you too since your birthday was on 22th Oct (which took almost 1 week to karang segala mak nenek).
• 27-30 October: Went to Pekan Pahang for Bitara STEM-Exxonmobil Carnival, and had a chance to meet Minister of Education there. Sempatlah bergambar sekali. 
• Early of November: i guess 3rd November if i'm not mistaken, we started talking back. (kena masuk dalam timeline jugak, sebab tak pernahnya perang dingin dengan orang sampai 5 bulan)
• 5-6 November: again went to SMAP Kajang for STEM (second session). 
• 8th November: you have told me you got second iv, which is held on 13th November.
• Today, 17 November: submitted first draft to supervisor, and also attended Syarahan Berkala ALIR on topic of Facing Water Resource Sustainability by Tn Hj Mansor (and very interesting topic actually). 
• InsyaAllah next on 22-27 November another STEM Carnival in UKM.

When i listed up all the things that i've done on last of these 2 months, i just realized how time passes so quickly. Even actually i have no idea how i passed through all of these things, dengan tengah frust and tak reti move on from someone tak habis-habis, and also with fears and worries that always come around. I can admit that i was going through each of single day of my life here with tears, frustration, loneliness and exhaustion. All of the difficulties drove me into madness, especially at part of writing thesis, i don't even counted how many nights i have spent in the lab alone.  

But, alhamdulillah. i've passed the stages with Allah's will. (but cannot say that i've done yet, there is still a lot of things that i need to go through).

The thing is that, it was by god. Allah yang mengurniakan kesenangan di sebalik kesusahan. Allah yang menjadikan yang mustahil itu kepada tidak mustahil.

I can almost accept that we were ended in terrible way and not like as what i'm used to dream (what i can say is), finished write thesis although it was not completely perfect, and surprisingly, met some of new friends which i never thought that i'll had since i almost at the end here. 

I was going each of single day not in perfect way, to be honest. 

Everything is not always perfect and the main is, i realized we should trust on what god has planned and be grateful on what we had even just a small little thing. Because everything is a bless, eventhough it was not going like we wanted it to be. It was going on what Allah wanted. Kerana kesempurnaan itu takkan mampu dicapai, sebab kita manusia, kita tak sempurna dan kita takkan dapat yang sempurna, tapi bagaimana kita berfikir bahawa apa yang kita dapat itu adalah satu kesempurnaan. 

Yakinlah dengan apa yang kita ada, apa yang hadir pada kita, apa yang menimpa kita. Kerana ia datang dari Yang Paling Sempurna.

Moga dipermudahkan urusan seterusnya. Amin ya Rabb. 

Pahang dan Cerita

Awal oktober telah dimulakan dengan satu pelarian. Okay, pelarian macam teruk sangat bunyinya. Mungkin lebih elok tukar kepada short escape. Short escape ke kenduri Firah, kawan masa USM dekat Kg Mela, Jerantut. Pergi kenduri, tapi entah la, aku dah rasa macam short vacay pun ada. Minggu yang paling banyak cuba benda baru, walaupun benda yang dicuba hanyalah sesuatu kecil-- seperti jejakkan kaki ke lrt gombak dan stesen lrt sentul timur (stesen lrt paling hujung). Dulu selalu tertanya-tanya, kalau di hujung stesen, lrt akan buat pusing atau reverse, atau ambil laluan lain untuk patah balik? Sebab tak pernah sampai stesesn hujung sekali Pertanyaan aminah yang sesimple itu. Curious. Jadi weekend ni memang terjawab segala soalan. Lol.

Makanan, seperti ikan patin, buah berangan, daging kerbau. Benda yang tak pernah makan, sampai orang pelik betul ke aminah tak pernah makan? Haah, memang tak pernah makan pun. Buah berangan tu tengok tepi jalan orang jual, tapi tak pernah rasa nak beli. Tempat di Pahang macam Temerloh dengan Jerantut. Memang tak pernah pergi, jadi ambil kesempatan untuk tengok sekitar. Sungai Pahang yang besar, tengok ikan talapia dengan ikan patin sangkar. Time cari dan beli ikan patin baru tau ikan patin ada ikan sangkar, ikan kolam ikan sungai. 

Time kenduri cakap pun macam tak banyak sangat, seolah-olah macam wordless on that day. Tapi kampung di Pahang ni sangat unik. Aku ingat kampung mak dekat Jelai tu habis kampung dah, ni lagi power. Dengan jalan gelap, berliku, pastu berbukit-bukit. Bukit style curam jugak aku kira untuk sebuah jalan. Fehh, kombinasi struktur jalan paling rare aku rasa. Seram sungguh malam-malam, sampai member suruh buka zikir time perjalanan. Lol. Pastu perasan rumah dekat situ jauh-jauh jarak, dah setiap rumah macam tenggelam dengan hutan. 

Ada juga tradisi Pahang sempat tengok, macam guna gendang "tetawak" untuk sambut pengantin instead of kompang. Selain tu, suka tengok orang kampung situ, boleh nampak sangat rapat, sampai ada sporting buat silat (padahal dia hentam ja silat tu, dia tak tahu pun). Dah macam menari dah aku tengok. Hahaha. Mungkin sebab kampung situ sangat kecil, jadi masing-masing macam rapat. 

Tapi ada satu perkara yang paling menarik aku kira. Ayah Firah sebelum ni accident (dalam bulan 5 atau 4 tak silap). Langgar lari, ada lori langgar ayah dia sampai kena otak, dan tengkorak bahagian kepala ayah dia pecah (sebab aku nampak lengkuk besar, macam tenggelam di bahagian depan kepala). Dan accident tu dah menyebabkan ayah dia lupa. Tak kenal anak-anak, tak mampu uruskan diri sendiri, macam bayi. Kena bagi makan, uruskan berak kencing. Perangai macam budak-budak. 

Tapi orang kampung layan saja ayah dia. Ada kawan ayah dia sorang ni siap pujuk dia masuk rumah lagi masa dia nak keluar pergi tengah jalanraya, Entah kenapa ayah dia suka sangat nak pergi dekat jalan tu. Ada sesekali tu ayah dia mengamuk time kenduri, sebab semua pegang dia tak bagi pergi jalanraya. Memang takut tengok time tu. Kalau tak tau dia sakit, memang kita tengok macam orang dewasa marah. Abang dia dan kawan ayah dia yang pujuk suruh masuk rumah. Moment tu macam penuh keterharuan sebenarnya, sbb kawan ayah dia tu yang sporting gila buat persembahan silat tadi, dia yang pujuk ayah dia dengan slowly and sabar tarik masuk rumah. Padahal ayah dia dah marah teruk dah. Aku terfikir satu perkara, kalau aku sakit lupa ingatan macam tu, ada orang nak kawan lagi tak? Nak layan aku lagi tak? Sebab dah macam budak-budak, siapa yang nak kawan? 

Banyak benda lagi nak tulis, sepanjang perjalanan realise banyak perkara. Tapi tu lah, kena kemas bilik pulak, dengan laundary stuffs lagi, sebab seminggu lebih air tak ada, baju 2 minggu tak berbasuh, bilik sepah macam tongkang pecah. Hahaha. 

Short escape yang menarik, walaupun benda yang dicuba hanyalah sesuatu yang ringkas dan kecil. Dan short escape yang mengajar erti syukur atas rahmat Tuhan. Salam Maal Hijrah. :)

Selamat tinggal Pahang!

Logik satu tambah satu.

Hujan renyai-renyai di luar, secawan kopi panas di sebelah. Bunyi rintikan hujan yang sentiasa dirindui. Sempurna. 

"Tidak dikatakan beriman seorang mukmin itu melainkan dia diuji"

Manusia kadang-kadang terlalu berpegang kepada perkara logik untuk kehidupan. Sebagai contoh, kita tahu 1+1=2. Dan kita berpegang dan percaya, mana mungkin 1+1 menjadi 3, 4 atau selain 2. Dan begitu juga dengan kehidupan, percaya dengan ada duit hidup akan bahagia, percaya kalau kahwin hidup akan sempurna tanpa duka, percaya akan dapat pekerjaan yang baik jika bergraduat dari universiti, percaya bahawa hidup lebih mudah jika ada persediaan yang cukup, percaya hidup tidak akan dikhianati oleh orang sangat dipercayai. Sebab mereka merasakan bahawa perkara tersebut agak mustahil untuk berlaku. Sama seperti kes 1+1.

Namun orang tak pernah terfikir "how is life when it falls apart". Sehingga mereka diuji.

Pada masa itu akal menjadi kurang rasional, merasakan takdir yang melanda merupakan satu suratan yang paling pedih, dan mula tertanya-tanya "Tuhan, mengapa begini?". Antara punca utama kenapa orang sangat mudah untuk kecewa. Kerana kepercayaan dan keyakinan yang melampau-lampau terhadap perkara yang belum tentu lagi realistik. Dan meletakkan kepercayaan kepada perkara yang tidak kekal selain dari Tuhan merupakan satu kesilapan yang paling nyata. Kita begitu yakin bahawa kepercayaan dan harapan yang kita tanam akan bertunas. Tetapi, tanpa kita sedar bahawa terdapatnya kemungkinan bahawa harapan akan mati disitu. 

Untuk melihat betapa cantiknya aturan Tuhan, kita memerlukan masa. Untuk belajar apa yang Tuhan sedang sampaikan, kita memerlukan masa. Masa bukan menyembuhkan, tetapi masa adalah untuk kita perlahan-lahan menerima takdir Tuhan. Kita tak akan pernah lupa apa yang terjadi pada diri kita, dan ia akan tetap membekas dalam hati, mungkin sampai bila-bila. Tapi daripada masa, kita mempelajari makna dari apa yang terjadi pada diri kita. Tidak semua pengharapan bertunas, tidak semua kepercayaan kekal.

Bukanlah ini bermakna kita tidak diizinkan berharap, kita tidak diizinkan percaya. Tapi sebenarnya, di manakah letaknya pengharapan dan kepercayaan kita? Pada manusia atau kebendaan duniawi atau Tuhan? Hidup kadang-kadang menyimpang dari logik, yang mana kita tak terfikir pun bahawa pada satu-satu masa tiba-tiba ia menjadi terlalu abstrak untuk difahami. Namun begitu ini bukan bermakna kita harus berhenti percaya dan berharap, cuma perletakkan harapan dan keyakinan kita haruslah pada tempat yang tepat, iaitu pada Tuhan. 

Sungguh pun begitu, hidup masih punya logik dan kita tidak boleh menolak logik seratus peratus. Sebagai contoh, kalau pemalas, mana mungkin berjaya? Kalau berbuat jahat, mana mungkin tidak akan dibalas kejahatan? Untuk semua perkara, dipenghujungnya nanti wujudnya logik. Cuma kadang-kadang dalam perjalanan kehidupan, tiba-tiba muncul perkara realisitik yang tak terjangkau oleh akal, dan bersimpang sebentar dari tanggapan kita. Seperti jika seseorang berusaha, dia akan berjaya, cuma dipertengahannya yang mungkin wujud beberapa kali kegagalan sebelum tibanya di penghujung yang logik, iaitu berjaya. Tuhan tidak pernah mensia-siakan orang yang berusaha dan tuhan tidak mensia-siakan orang berbuat kebaikan. Penuh bicara Tuhan di dalam al-Quran dengan janji-janjiNya bahawa setiap perkara ada balasannya, tidak kira baik atau jahat. 

Persimpangan yang wujud dalam kehidupan kadang-kadang merupakan satu "pintu kecemasan" yang mana tuhan telah menyelamatkan kita dari satu jalan yang kita fikir betul, tapi hakikatnya salah. Bukankah itu satu rahmat, bahawa Tuhan masih memandang kita dengan penuh kasih sayang? Maka, untuk apa perkara sekali pun, bertawakallah pada Tuhan, supaya hati tidak retak seribu apabila kekecewaan melanda, apabila harapan tidak membuah hasil, apabila keyakinan kita dijatuhkan. 

Bersangka baiklah pada Tuhan untuk setiap perkara yang terjadi yang mungkin jauh dari logik akal kita, dan kadang-kadang mungkin sukar untuk kita terima kenyataan. Letakkan logik pada nombor dua, letak ketentuan dan perancangan Tuhan pada nombor satu. Kerana untuk apa pun yang berlaku, sekuat mana pun kita merancang, takdir jua akan menang. 

Apabila berharap, maka berharaplah pada Tuhanmu.

Aminah, 10.20 pagi.

Kolej Ungku Omar.

K.i.n.d.

I am writing this today, since my thesis draft had no progress and i start get frustrated. One week (last week) was totally burned and my mood was simply swung and swayed. Dengan demam, dengan orang minta tolong itu dan ini, dengan tiba-tiba laptop problem, and yaaa pop! habis seminggu. Taktau la nak habaq macam mana frust tu, tapi memang frust la. Even i just realized that "frustrated" is exact word to express my mood right now when Nusrat was trying to continue my word while i was talking with her this morning. I am getting frustrated, because time keep on running and i still standing on same place. It's kind of wasting time, because it should had at least a few progress and still, the draft was showed nothing. 

Ini orang panggil "sedih melarat".

The actual is, i knew it was not only causes by my draft, but other things that happened to me before. Labmate yang takmau cakap and selfish tinggalkan labmatenya yang tengah down teruk ini menulis tesis sambil jatuh merangkak-rangkak, member lama yang terasa and tak reti paham situasi kita yang tengah strunggle macam orang gila and ingat kita ada banyak masa and duit nak hangout sekali macam dia - even dah minta maaf still tak paham, dengan serabut tesis ni, dengan banyak benda lain berbangkit (mara, jpa, family, etc) is it okay if i sad for longer time? Boleh dak nak lantak ja semua orang ini, because i just tired for caring this kind of people too much. And these people has made changes on myself - as i getting scared to apologize to people anymore because whenever i asked the apologize, they were ignoring, and they just thinking they were right, the apologize has rising up their pride and the they become more ego in the way that they looked myself as looser and the one who fault. 

Most of people will said, "don't trust people easily, backstabbers are everywhere" but somehow still, i really love one of quote that i had read before,

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness. 

-Kunt Vonnegut.

Because i believed that kindness will always win. I believed kindness will attract other kindness. And one more important part is,

Those who are kind and considerate to Allah's creatures, Allah bestows His kindness and affection on them. Show kindness to the creatures on the earth so that Allah may be kind to you.

-Abu Daud, Tarmizi.

Allah has made His promise. Sometimes holding such of these concept would made you not give up doing kind to people and spreading love everywhere. There are someday i prayed a lot, whenever happened to me, don't let me give up on being kind and sincere, and hope that God always make me keep on trusting His promises. Redha apa yang Allah tentukan, senyum dan ciptakan bahagia. (Walaupun sekarang ni tak ada lah bahagia sangat pun lagi. Tak pa lah depa buat kat kita cemni pun. Sobs)

And yes, kindness will make you looked beautiful too.  :)

*****

Footnote: That is the reason why last month i still can sorted and arranged all of his glasswares and other of his stuffs on his table yang bersepah-sepah tu, clean his table nicely (dah meja kita berdepan kan) even actually i was mad at him like crazily. Sampai kak auni terkejut tengok meja dia bersih. K.

Blessing day

Yesterday, me and other 2 labmates were having some of really light lunch together (sebab semua xlalu belaka nak makan), some sandwiches and fruits. Usually we love to share part of our problems while having our food together; major was about research and some minor topics about family, scholar, country and other things too. It's actually kind of habit within us. And somehow yesterday, the conversation was going into deeper and that was brought us into state of emotional. Yes, we're totally cried with that. Even actually i quite surprised when i saw my pakistani labmate was crying too and watching her crying even just made me want to cry more (because she is the strongest one between us). We were discussing a lot of problems, until we can't hold ourselves from not being emotional. 

Coincidentally our sv came to lab after few hours later, and we shared our problems, one was crying while talking, me and the other one were almost burst into tears. And prof was trying to give some suggestions. As prof went out, all three of us were crying again (and this time happily crying) and had a group hug together, such a long warm hug that we ever did for 2 years spending time together in lab. Dah mcm kanak2.  That was one of the most relief feeling that i ever had. The problem was not really solved, but somehow it made us feel better. Dan titisan hujan menjadi saksi untuk drama2 hari ini.

So, what i've learned yesterday,

1. It's precious when you got someone to cry with you. Even it's more precious if they still stay with you. Through thick and thin.

2. How Allah's plan is too beautiful, sometimes maybe we might argue on our fate but Allah knows better, and you will melt by the way He loves you.

3. Never expect people who are laughing during day are not crying during night. They might hide everything inside, and put fake smile and act everything is fine during day. (and this is actually happened to mylab.)

Bismillah, i'm letting off all my feelings, keep on spreading love, stop chasing on something that was not belong to me, never giving up in being kind, and start focus on aims. Wallahi i melted, melted with Your love. Im grateful on what You've gave to me, surrounded with kindness and love.

#catatan21syawal.

Random Ramadhan # 4

It feels good to be at home.

And yes. It totally out of expectation. Sampai rumah tak berhenti cakapnya,dari petang, sampai ke bukak puasa sampai ke malam. Siap buat list lagi kuih raya tercalon bakal duduk di meja ruang tamu lagi raya tahun ni. I start talking with my sisters, laughing, and all of us were very excited trying new baju raya. The most awesome thing. Hari pertama dekat rumah, aku bangun awal kot (i mean lepas subuh tak tidur, lepas tu terus hadap draft tesis). Dah la bangun awal, pastu mandi awal pulak tuuuu. <--- sangat bukan aminah di sini. Hari pertama jalan, hari kedua ketiga collapse. K. But, it quite feel good to wake up earlier, just like spirit up ourself with positivity and enthuasiasm.

I'm just glad, a part of me is coming back.

Tapi tipu juga tu, sendu jugak lah tiap-tiap lepas solat. Haha. K. Slow down, I'm trying, okay? Even i'm trying to stop talking even discussing about this. Sebab aku rasa orang akan menyampah, oleh itu, selagi orang tak tanya, makanya tak payah cakap. Even i not really sure i can endure myself when talk about this, I feel good to be like this, at least tak merosakkan mood orang sekeliling. Biasanya aku menangis senyap-senyap. Tak pa kot nangis senyap dekat kat belakang, it kinda release the stress and sadness. 10 terakhir Ramadhan ni macam kena banyak nangis sikit, bagi insaf tu senang terasa. 

Maybe i was expecting too much for each of things, and those expectations are killing me slowly.

Oh btw 26 haribulan lepas geng ex-hostellite ada reunion untuk 1 dekad (since 2006, time tu form 3). Tak banyak berubah sangat pun, and masing-masing still ketawa kuat macam dulu. Everything perfectly followed the plan, unless dulu plan nak buat dekat times square, tapi tukar jadi dekat Dumbledees dekat USM. Cuma tak semua pun yang datang, disebabkan kerja, belajar dan tinggal luar Penang, makanya susah nak balik waktu tu. Terasa seronok, entah la, macam menggamit balik memori lama. Especially ada geng-geng yang jarang jumpa, tapi bila dah jumpa still boleh ramah macam dulu, and tak awkward, rasa macam, awesomenyaaa.

Kemudiannya, hujung Ramadhan ini mak pun dah start kerah buat kuih, and sangat penattt. Feelingnya lebih kurang macam packing goodies masa kenduri rumah fathi dulu sampai 2 3 pagi, tapi nasib baik kuih raya tak macam tu. Cuma bila buat tengah puasa, ia  agak menggoncang iman dengan penat tahan lapar dan dahaga. Huuuu. Belum lagi masuk bab kemas rumah. Kemas bilik, cuci tingkap, buang sawang habuk segala bagai, mop lantai, tukar langsir. Allahu, tercabut pinggang den. Dengan cuaca panas semacam di Penang dua tiga menjak ni menyebabkan buat kerja 10 minit pun terus rasa letih dengan dahaga sangat-sangat.

Ramadhan kali ni terasa sangat cepat. Ramdhan, boleh tak stay lama lagi sikit?



pointless, hopeless, #catatanramadhan20

Random Ramadhan # 3

Lagi 4 hari nak balik rumah. Tak tahu la nak rasa excited ke tak. Sebab ada rasa berbelah bahagi. Rasa nak balik pun ada, tak nak balik pun ada. Tak nak balik tu bukan apa, alasannya sebab tak puas lagi nak menyendiri. Rasa macam nak lepaskan perasaan tu seorang diri. Kalau balik rumah, rasa macam tak tenang, sebab tv (k, marilah salahkan tv. -_-"). Sebab last balik rumah hari tu, rasa serabut bila dengar bunyi tv. Macam tak boleh go on walaupun tv tengah tayang cerita lawak. Last-last, mesti lari ke ruang tamu utama (sebab rumah ada 2 ruang tamu), and baca something atau online fb. Tapi dengar la jugak bunyi tv tu. Jadi sebab tu tak rasa nak balik sangat kali ni. Balik awal ni pun semata nak pergi reunion sekolah, kalau tak memang akan balik lambat lagi, macam nak habiskan ramadhan kat sini, sebab duduk rumah nanti leka and banyak tidurrr.

Hati, fikiran macam sudah melayang tak tentu arah, banyak sangat fikir dan 24 jam fikir benda yang sama buat rasa emosi sentiasa dalam keadaan dim. Kadang-kadang tak semena-mena rasa nak menangis, rasa nak luah semua benda, tapi bila fikir balik, entah la, macam worthless untuk diluahkan. Macam tak ada benda nak dipertikaikan lagi, dan kalau bercakap sekalipun, it doesn't fix the situation anymore. Totally unworthy. 

In consideration, ada juga terfikir nak revert balik semua post ceritabukukoko kepada draft, tapiii... (k, nampak dak susah benar nak move on?) Bukan setakat susah, malah aku sendiri yang memang sengaja tak nak move on. Rasa sayang nak move on. Because once moved, everything will deleted. And the reason why it's difficult to move on maybe because there is still hope rooted there. 

"Kesilapan kita yang terbesar di bulan Ramadhan adalah kurang berdoa."

Rasa terkesan bila baca ayat dekat twitter. Sejak baca tu, asyik kerap doa. 

Ramadhan kali ni juga banyak belajar untuk terima takdir, walaupun apa yang kita jangkakan tak sama seperti apa yang direncanakan. Kadang-kadang kita nak sangat benda A jadi, tapi yang jadinya B. Terus terang, doa yang paling banyak disebut adalah doa untuk sentiasa positif dengan perancangan Tuhan, doa minta Allah yakinkan bahawa apa yang Dia rancang ni paling terbaik dan minta Allah memperlihatkan hikmah untuk setiap rencana walaupun hakikatnya dalam keadaan hati sekarang, memang sukar nak nampak hikmah. Dan yang paling selalu, doa agar dipermudahkan urusan. Untuk semua. 

Sehingga kini, doa yang sama tidak pernah putus, malah ada doa-doa tertentu, air mata ikut tumpah sekali.

Yakin Aminah. Allah's plan always has His own beauty.
Dan sentiasa ikhlas.

Moga hati sentiasa dijaga. #catatanramadhan8

Random Ramadhan # 2

After almost 2 weeks Khitam went back to her hometown, finally yesterday she came to lab - as she promised to me she will met me on Monday. At the moment, i was so excited, and crying while hugging her (dah macam balik setahun gayanya -.-") and asking her why she leaving such a long time while i was alone here. I don't know, it's something relief when seeing her and she was so happy and kisses me few times (i think almost 2-3 minutes of hug). Such a long hug i ever had i guessed. 

So, as she was came back from Iraq, she bought for me a new scarf from there. It's so beautiful, peach colour with small flowers on it. There are also sweets like dates, dahnil (sorry, not sure exact name, it's made up from sugar) and manna wa salwa (pernah dengar tak? dalam quran ada. :) ) and also some mixed nuts which are very famous there. I'm very happy, ya Allah, tak tahu nak cakap macam mana, dia macam relief sangat, because i'm always crying alone in lab so bila dia balik rasa macam lega. We were talking, and sharing a few things happened here and there.

There is one thing make me in teary while we were talking as she ask me what is my next plan after finished my MSc. She spontaneously said, "get married first before PhD " (even i dont say that i will furthering for PhD). I was laughing, but, at the same time there is a sigh at the end of my laugh. 

"InsyaAllah, you are nice, you are kind and you are sweet-hearted. You will meet someone. "

Entah la, bila dapat word "kind" tu, rasa macam soft sangat- and yes, khitam said it with softly. Somehow it feels like satisfying, it like make me know that i not make people uncomfortable or uneasy, and i feel being appreciated. This is not kind of riak, cuma, entah, tak tahu la nak cakap macamana. Macam bila kita buat kerja dengan baik, and people said, you've done a good job. Macam tu la kot feelingnya? But still, i realized i am not a good person. and when she said i'm kind, it reminds me with 2 of my bestfriends too who are really kind, even more kind than me, which always help people sincerely and be kind and nice with others. And I learned from them in being pure person. Easily say, being ikhlas.

Balik bilik lepas tu terus ciwi dengan shawl. Okay aminah. -_-"

***** 

Ya Allah, permudahkan urusan kami. #catatanramadhan2

Random Ramadhan # 1

Yesterday i went to masjid UKM to perform my taraweh, and at the same time take chance for breaking fast there too. So, while waiting for maghrib, i was sitting in circle with others (since there was makan berdulang) and read few pages of surah al-a'raf. Somehow, when on the second page my eyes was getting burst into tears and i almost cried without any reasons. The emotions was suddenly coming from deep down there. 

Remarkably, seeking for His way and guidance were actually not easy and it's not coming by just praying once. It must keep on, with full of worship and believe that He won't let us down there. Sebab hati itu berbolak balik. 

Ya Allah, keluarkan aku dari belenggu hitamku sendiri. 

Catatan Ramadhan #1

Selesai cuti, terubat hati?

Secara konklusinya, tak pasti sebenarnya adakah balik cuti kali ni betul acah-acah ibarat mengubat hati yang lara, sebab aku rasa sama (cuma kurang la sikit kot rasa sedih tu?).

Agak lega sebenarnya sebab sepanjang cuti tak ada soalan "bila nak habis belajaq?" dan "apa cerita pasai dia?" (oh, i guessed you knew who i mean). Ibarat doa termakbul. Memang sebelum balik bercuti dah doa siap-siap, oh Tuhan, janganlah ada manusia tanya pasal itu dan ini. Sebab dah boleh rasa jiwa memang tak boleh tahan. Rasa boleh menangis terus kalau orang tanya. Terlalu rapuh. To be honest, I'm not really willing and ready to share anything. Because i realized that i've started make people surround me feel uncomfortable, annoyed, and anything related with that. 

The heartache was too strong, even i was wondering if i could endure myself with all of these things this time. It's like have been shattered, broken, and unfixed. I am crying almost everyday, especially after prayers (even actually i couldn't remember how many times i've cried), seeking for His forgiveness and reclaiming for a new heart. Tell me, how can i think this is just fleeting? I lost almost all of my confidence, my supports, even lost myself exactly like have been strayed. Sometimes i hate myself for being such as this emotional, but wallahi, i just can't avoid it.

How can you endure yourself, when the person who always talk and share deep things with you is now being quiet without you know any reasons?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who support you all over the time, care about you and always tell you there is a hope is now become just become invisible like doesn't care?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who use to make jokes everyday to make sure you smile everyday and had laugh with you now become the most egoist person in your life?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who memorized each of every small things of yours is now being like doesn't know you before this?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who act like want you so much yesterday, appreciate and accept yourself in every single edge and side, suddenly make you feel like so unwanted today?

Just tell me, how.

There were so much untold stories and unspoken feelings that slowly sabotaging the mind. Sometimes memories were running in mind, teasing and torturing the emotions. It was hard, fighting to be strong to build up back the confidence, and at the same time controlling and soften the heart to accept His fate and destiny, put the trust and relying everything to Him as He is the only Healer.

When i was attending on my cousin wedding, i was not thinking much, even it was actually failed in initiating or influencing myself for getting married as soon as her (maybe because of my dimmed mood and also been caught by flu and cough which spoiled my mood even more), although she and her husband were like having an ultimate happiness in life. I was stuck here, in my master life and emotions, which always make me not to think rationally. I was easily getting scared even just to write a sentence for thesis. Confusion are everywhere, and there is always things that i was not really sure too. Thinking that how i will debate for the viva with these unsure things make me feel scared, terrified, and often cry with worries. Somehow i really hope there is no one who will ask me about my master, except for those who really care.

There is also one time that i feel guilty for my friends, siblings and relations, because of not really in my mood when enjoying moments together, and not really in their shoes when they were telling their problems. I was trying to put myself there, but somehow i just cannot like there is something that prevent myself for doing that. Bad me, really sorry for that.

Exactly like the darkness waiting for the sunlight, so am i, waiting for something miracle to shine back the life. Looking back for happiness that has been taken away. May Allah lead the way, in making life meaningful for Him. I realized Allah knows the best, but to be positive in every second is not easy. Allah. It's swinging too random, and too much until uncontrollable.

Pray for me.

p.s.: Before i forget, barakallahumma for Kachik and her husband, may Allah grant both of you with blessings, and may both you live happily ever after.

*sorry, too much "i".

25 Tahun

Dear Aminah,

Remember that always be kind with everyone, and more important is be ikhlas. Ikhlas in helping, ikhlas in forgiving people, even ikhlas in your silent prayers. Build a sincere heart and be pure. No matter what happens, always look for the bright side eventhough sometimes it is though. Never loses hope, and keep in mind, Allah is here for you and worry ends as faith begins. Allah knows best what is the best for you. He has His plan and put your trust on Him.

Profoundly, Allah has set you in such a great life, appreciate it and always be grateful. Maybe doors of happiness are somewhere and somehow you might have to see it deeply with your heart. Last. Love yourself and give yourself a chance again.

Never give up and senyum, okay? :)
Happy 25th year.

sincerely,
Yourself.

****
A short note.

A very calmful birthday i guessed. Rasa tenang sahaja seharian, walaupun tak ramai pun yang wish, tak ada celebration even just habiskan masa di bilik 105. Normally (regarding on my last last birthday) i will wait, and expecting who will wish on my birthday, and thinking how they will wish, and wondering what kind of wishes they've.

But today, on my 25th birthday, it's totally different. I'm not waiting for wishes.

It might be causes by the small surprise made by sara and cici earlier . And i never thought that celebrating birthday earlier can made such as this calm. It just totally surprise me out. I am realizing that the day is coming, but i'm not waiting and wondering too much. Waiting is a kind of expectation, and it always having their own risk, like hurt ourselves when it's not going like what we want to be. As there is no expectation, it completely made the day in peace. To be honest, i am glad they wish me earlier on this year. Even actually i just expecting that they will not wish me again because it has been celebrated. But, again thank you for wishing again and again, with full of prayers.

Eventhough i have my own list of people that i wait for their wishes but strangely, i was not upset as much or got frustrated when they are not the one who remember. Rasa macam nak let it go. Untuk 25 tahun, having a small circle of friends is enough and grateful for me, as they're always stay beside. That was one of the great blessing that i had.

Thank you Allah for giving me wonderful life, family and friends.

(Nota 4 Jun 2016, Kolej Ungku Omar, UKM)

Cara kita memandang bahagia

Alkisahnya terjadi dalam minggu lepas (ya, ya, minggu yang memang down tahap sentuh tanah). Dan aku cuma rasa satu, sunyi. Dengan kawan yang pergi sampling, dan aku sentiasa "nerve-wrecking" setiap kali analisis data, buat aku rasa tak tenang. Sangat tak tenang.

Ada sekali tu, selepas lunch, aku minta Nusrat naik ke lab dulu, sebab ingat nak beli jus oren "mesin gedegang" dekat School Physics. I was so weak at that time, even dah makan lunch. Maybe sebab emotion problem, so sangat la physically affected too. Just terasa nak beli jus sebab Nusrat selalu pesan, "have some juice when you feel weak". So beli ja la. 

On the way nak balik lab lepas beli, ada seorang perempuan sapa masa dalam lif. Dia tua sedikit, umur macam penghujung 30an atau awal 40an, tak sure la lecturer ke student. Dia mula menyapa, "under doktor mana?" 

Jadi, kami terus bersembang dan akhirnya lif berhenti tingkat dua. Jadi dia keluar dulu, memandangkan lab aku di tingkat tiga. Sebelum dia melangkah keluar, sempat lagi dia pegang lengan aku dengan penuh lembut,

"Saya pergi dulu ya." 

Time tu, Allahurabbi, terkesima. She smiled to me in very pure smile, and her smile is just like an infectious smile, made me to smile back in sincere way too. Guess what? Rasa tegang terus hilang sekelip mata. Sampai ke lab senyum sorang-sorang umpama orang jatuh cinta. Aku terasa kagum, sangatlah rendah dirinya dia, yang tua dari aku (and aku sangat sure dia bukan student master, lagaknya lebih kepada seorang lecturer atau paling kurang student phd). Kalau aku memang macam tak dah nak tegur stranger mana-mana yang lagi muda, lepas tu nak buat mesra sampai macam tu sekali. Tapi sentuhan dia sangat "mak-mak-feeling". 

Dalam minggu yang sama, hari sabtu. Hari sabtu, memang ramai yang faham hari sabtu hari-surirumah bagi aku. Labmate, close member memang faham sangat dah tabiat ni. Hari sabtulah hari nak kemas bilik, cuci baju, sapu lantai, semua hari sabtu

Disebabkan sabtu hujan, aku sangat malas pada masa yang sama, jadinya aku hanya mula basuh baju lewat petang (jangan tiru anak dara pemalas seperti ini). Masa tengah masukkan baju dalam mesin, tiba-tiba ada student perempuan tegur.

"Assalamualaikum, saya nak minta tolong boleh? Saya nak balik blok, tapi ada 2 3 ekor anjing halang laluan depan pintu masuk blok. Saya nak balik bilik, tak solat asar lagi. Nak tumpang solat asar dekat bilik boleh? "

Masa tu dah 6.30 petang. Memang anjing ni tunggu maghrib nanti la baru nak pergi. Jadi aku pun bawa dia ke bilik, kemudian sediakan telekung dan tunjukkan arah kiblat. Selesai solat, sempat lagi aku bersembang-sembang dengan dia sampai ke maghrib. Memang hari tu rasa "kosong" sangat, jadi bila budak perempuan ni muncul tiba-tiba, lepas tu boleh sembang dengan ramah tanya pasal master, jadi terasa sangat terisi. 

Kemudian aku sedar sesuatu. Bahawa kebahagian itu jangan bergantung penuh kepada seseorang, atau dengan bahasa yang lebih mudah, jangan tunggu seseorang untuk membahagiakan kita, tapi biar kehidupan itu sendiri menjadi laluan untuk bahagia. Dan letaklah pengharapan bahagia itu pada tuhan, dan dengan cara-cara yang tidak disangka-sangka Allah akan berikan kita bahagia. Sebagaimana dalam minggu lepas, entah stranger mana-mana yang muncul tanpa jangkaan, dan memberikan satu perasaan yang tenang dan selesa. Dan aku sangat sedar, betapa aku letakkan harapan pada manusia untuk bahagia, tapi sebenarnya bahagia boleh hadir dalam pelbagai cara, dan bergantung kepada diri kita sendiri, dengan bagaimana cara kita memandang kepada kehidupan.

*****

Actually this is last year draft, tak ingat dalam bulan 11 atau 12. I guessed i have this kind of new habit, draft everything in post, then peram lama-lama sampai rasa nak cek balik segala list draft, sambung edit then baru post. Entah, ibaratnya macam "makin diperam cerita, makin rasa seronok nak baca balik."

Btw, finally i just knew that the lady who talked with me and held my hand is actually a lecturer, Dr. Khairiah, or most of people called her Dr. K. She is the one who in charge for postgrad student program/courses (master and PhD, both). Sangat humble, jumpa dia sekali lagi masa settle down kes Khitam baru-baru ni. 

One more. Teringat satu lagi, dari ceramah dengar dalam facebook. Bahawasanya kita akan bahagia dalam hidup dengan dua perkara, iaitu dengan cara kita redha terhadap sesuatu, dan dengan kita bersyukur terhadap sesuatu.