Secara konklusinya, tak pasti sebenarnya adakah balik cuti kali ni betul acah-acah ibarat mengubat hati yang lara, sebab aku rasa sama (cuma kurang la sikit kot rasa sedih tu?).
Agak lega sebenarnya sebab sepanjang cuti tak ada soalan "bila nak habis belajaq?" dan "apa cerita pasai dia?" (oh, i guessed you knew who i mean). Ibarat doa termakbul. Memang sebelum balik bercuti dah doa siap-siap, oh Tuhan, janganlah ada manusia tanya pasal itu dan ini. Sebab dah boleh rasa jiwa memang tak boleh tahan. Rasa boleh menangis terus kalau orang tanya. Terlalu rapuh. To be honest, I'm not really willing and ready to share anything. Because i realized that i've started make people surround me feel uncomfortable, annoyed, and anything related with that.
The heartache was too strong, even i was wondering if i could endure myself with all of these things this time. It's like have been shattered, broken, and unfixed. I am crying almost everyday, especially after prayers (even actually i couldn't remember how many times i've cried), seeking for His forgiveness and reclaiming for a new heart. Tell me, how can i think this is just fleeting? I lost almost all of my confidence, my supports, even lost myself exactly like have been strayed. Sometimes i hate myself for being such as this emotional, but wallahi, i just can't avoid it.
How can you endure yourself, when the person who always talk and share deep things with you is now being quiet without you know any reasons?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who support you all over the time, care about you and always tell you there is a hope is now become just become invisible like doesn't care?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who use to make jokes everyday to make sure you smile everyday and had laugh with you now become the most egoist person in your life?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who memorized each of every small things of yours is now being like doesn't know you before this?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who act like want you so much yesterday, appreciate and accept yourself in every single edge and side, suddenly make you feel like so unwanted today?
Just tell me, how.
There were so much untold stories and unspoken feelings that slowly sabotaging the mind. Sometimes memories were running in mind, teasing and torturing the emotions. It was hard, fighting to be strong to build up back the confidence, and at the same time controlling and soften the heart to accept His fate and destiny, put the trust and relying everything to Him as He is the only Healer.
When i was attending on my cousin wedding, i was not thinking much, even it was actually failed in initiating or influencing myself for getting married as soon as her (maybe because of my dimmed mood and also been caught by flu and cough which spoiled my mood even more), although she and her husband were like having an ultimate happiness in life. I was stuck here, in my master life and emotions, which always make me not to think rationally. I was easily getting scared even just to write a sentence for thesis. Confusion are everywhere, and there is always things that i was not really sure too. Thinking that how i will debate for the viva with these unsure things make me feel scared, terrified, and often cry with worries. Somehow i really hope there is no one who will ask me about my master, except for those who really care.
There is also one time that i feel guilty for my friends, siblings and relations, because of not really in my mood when enjoying moments together, and not really in their shoes when they were telling their problems. I was trying to put myself there, but somehow i just cannot like there is something that prevent myself for doing that. Bad me, really sorry for that.
Exactly like the darkness waiting for the sunlight, so am i, waiting for something miracle to shine back the life. Looking back for happiness that has been taken away. May Allah lead the way, in making life meaningful for Him. I realized Allah knows the best, but to be positive in every second is not easy. Allah. It's swinging too random, and too much until uncontrollable.
Pray for me.
p.s.: Before i forget, barakallahumma for Kachik and her husband, may Allah grant both of you with blessings, and may both you live happily ever after.
How can you endure yourself, when the person who always talk and share deep things with you is now being quiet without you know any reasons?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who support you all over the time, care about you and always tell you there is a hope is now become just become invisible like doesn't care?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who use to make jokes everyday to make sure you smile everyday and had laugh with you now become the most egoist person in your life?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who memorized each of every small things of yours is now being like doesn't know you before this?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who act like want you so much yesterday, appreciate and accept yourself in every single edge and side, suddenly make you feel like so unwanted today?
Just tell me, how.
There were so much untold stories and unspoken feelings that slowly sabotaging the mind. Sometimes memories were running in mind, teasing and torturing the emotions. It was hard, fighting to be strong to build up back the confidence, and at the same time controlling and soften the heart to accept His fate and destiny, put the trust and relying everything to Him as He is the only Healer.
When i was attending on my cousin wedding, i was not thinking much, even it was actually failed in initiating or influencing myself for getting married as soon as her (maybe because of my dimmed mood and also been caught by flu and cough which spoiled my mood even more), although she and her husband were like having an ultimate happiness in life. I was stuck here, in my master life and emotions, which always make me not to think rationally. I was easily getting scared even just to write a sentence for thesis. Confusion are everywhere, and there is always things that i was not really sure too. Thinking that how i will debate for the viva with these unsure things make me feel scared, terrified, and often cry with worries. Somehow i really hope there is no one who will ask me about my master, except for those who really care.
There is also one time that i feel guilty for my friends, siblings and relations, because of not really in my mood when enjoying moments together, and not really in their shoes when they were telling their problems. I was trying to put myself there, but somehow i just cannot like there is something that prevent myself for doing that. Bad me, really sorry for that.
Exactly like the darkness waiting for the sunlight, so am i, waiting for something miracle to shine back the life. Looking back for happiness that has been taken away. May Allah lead the way, in making life meaningful for Him. I realized Allah knows the best, but to be positive in every second is not easy. Allah. It's swinging too random, and too much until uncontrollable.
Pray for me.
p.s.: Before i forget, barakallahumma for Kachik and her husband, may Allah grant both of you with blessings, and may both you live happily ever after.
*sorry, too much "i".
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