Random #18

After a long time i leaved my blog, now here i come again. Sampai rasa blurred sebentar sebab memang tak tahu apa nak tulis. Rasa tak tahu nak express apa. 

So ya, i just make a timeline here, to throwback what actually i have done within last 2 months;

• Early of October: went to Pahang for Firah's weeding.
• Middle of October: sent notice for thesis submission to the faculty (including fill the form and preparing the abstract for that which i've started since early of October).
• 22-23 October: went to SMAP Kajang for Bitara STEM program (for first session). Oh ya, i've prepared the wishes in blog for you too since your birthday was on 22th Oct (which took almost 1 week to karang segala mak nenek).
• 27-30 October: Went to Pekan Pahang for Bitara STEM-Exxonmobil Carnival, and had a chance to meet Minister of Education there. Sempatlah bergambar sekali. 
• Early of November: i guess 3rd November if i'm not mistaken, we started talking back. (kena masuk dalam timeline jugak, sebab tak pernahnya perang dingin dengan orang sampai 5 bulan)
• 5-6 November: again went to SMAP Kajang for STEM (second session). 
• 8th November: you have told me you got second iv, which is held on 13th November.
• Today, 17 November: submitted first draft to supervisor, and also attended Syarahan Berkala ALIR on topic of Facing Water Resource Sustainability by Tn Hj Mansor (and very interesting topic actually). 
• InsyaAllah next on 22-27 November another STEM Carnival in UKM.

When i listed up all the things that i've done on last of these 2 months, i just realized how time passes so quickly. Even actually i have no idea how i passed through all of these things, dengan tengah frust and tak reti move on from someone tak habis-habis, and also with fears and worries that always come around. I can admit that i was going through each of single day of my life here with tears, frustration, loneliness and exhaustion. All of the difficulties drove me into madness, especially at part of writing thesis, i don't even counted how many nights i have spent in the lab alone.  

But, alhamdulillah. i've passed the stages with Allah's will. (but cannot say that i've done yet, there is still a lot of things that i need to go through).

The thing is that, it was by god. Allah yang mengurniakan kesenangan di sebalik kesusahan. Allah yang menjadikan yang mustahil itu kepada tidak mustahil.

I can almost accept that we were ended in terrible way and not like as what i'm used to dream (what i can say is), finished write thesis although it was not completely perfect, and surprisingly, met some of new friends which i never thought that i'll had since i almost at the end here. 

I was going each of single day not in perfect way, to be honest. 

Everything is not always perfect and the main is, i realized we should trust on what god has planned and be grateful on what we had even just a small little thing. Because everything is a bless, eventhough it was not going like we wanted it to be. It was going on what Allah wanted. Kerana kesempurnaan itu takkan mampu dicapai, sebab kita manusia, kita tak sempurna dan kita takkan dapat yang sempurna, tapi bagaimana kita berfikir bahawa apa yang kita dapat itu adalah satu kesempurnaan. 

Yakinlah dengan apa yang kita ada, apa yang hadir pada kita, apa yang menimpa kita. Kerana ia datang dari Yang Paling Sempurna.

Moga dipermudahkan urusan seterusnya. Amin ya Rabb. 

Pahang dan Cerita

Awal oktober telah dimulakan dengan satu pelarian. Okay, pelarian macam teruk sangat bunyinya. Mungkin lebih elok tukar kepada short escape. Short escape ke kenduri Firah, kawan masa USM dekat Kg Mela, Jerantut. Pergi kenduri, tapi entah la, aku dah rasa macam short vacay pun ada. Minggu yang paling banyak cuba benda baru, walaupun benda yang dicuba hanyalah sesuatu kecil-- seperti jejakkan kaki ke lrt gombak dan stesen lrt sentul timur (stesen lrt paling hujung). Dulu selalu tertanya-tanya, kalau di hujung stesen, lrt akan buat pusing atau reverse, atau ambil laluan lain untuk patah balik? Sebab tak pernah sampai stesesn hujung sekali Pertanyaan aminah yang sesimple itu. Curious. Jadi weekend ni memang terjawab segala soalan. Lol.

Makanan, seperti ikan patin, buah berangan, daging kerbau. Benda yang tak pernah makan, sampai orang pelik betul ke aminah tak pernah makan? Haah, memang tak pernah makan pun. Buah berangan tu tengok tepi jalan orang jual, tapi tak pernah rasa nak beli. Tempat di Pahang macam Temerloh dengan Jerantut. Memang tak pernah pergi, jadi ambil kesempatan untuk tengok sekitar. Sungai Pahang yang besar, tengok ikan talapia dengan ikan patin sangkar. Time cari dan beli ikan patin baru tau ikan patin ada ikan sangkar, ikan kolam ikan sungai. 

Time kenduri cakap pun macam tak banyak sangat, seolah-olah macam wordless on that day. Tapi kampung di Pahang ni sangat unik. Aku ingat kampung mak dekat Jelai tu habis kampung dah, ni lagi power. Dengan jalan gelap, berliku, pastu berbukit-bukit. Bukit style curam jugak aku kira untuk sebuah jalan. Fehh, kombinasi struktur jalan paling rare aku rasa. Seram sungguh malam-malam, sampai member suruh buka zikir time perjalanan. Lol. Pastu perasan rumah dekat situ jauh-jauh jarak, dah setiap rumah macam tenggelam dengan hutan. 

Ada juga tradisi Pahang sempat tengok, macam guna gendang "tetawak" untuk sambut pengantin instead of kompang. Selain tu, suka tengok orang kampung situ, boleh nampak sangat rapat, sampai ada sporting buat silat (padahal dia hentam ja silat tu, dia tak tahu pun). Dah macam menari dah aku tengok. Hahaha. Mungkin sebab kampung situ sangat kecil, jadi masing-masing macam rapat. 

Tapi ada satu perkara yang paling menarik aku kira. Ayah Firah sebelum ni accident (dalam bulan 5 atau 4 tak silap). Langgar lari, ada lori langgar ayah dia sampai kena otak, dan tengkorak bahagian kepala ayah dia pecah (sebab aku nampak lengkuk besar, macam tenggelam di bahagian depan kepala). Dan accident tu dah menyebabkan ayah dia lupa. Tak kenal anak-anak, tak mampu uruskan diri sendiri, macam bayi. Kena bagi makan, uruskan berak kencing. Perangai macam budak-budak. 

Tapi orang kampung layan saja ayah dia. Ada kawan ayah dia sorang ni siap pujuk dia masuk rumah lagi masa dia nak keluar pergi tengah jalanraya, Entah kenapa ayah dia suka sangat nak pergi dekat jalan tu. Ada sesekali tu ayah dia mengamuk time kenduri, sebab semua pegang dia tak bagi pergi jalanraya. Memang takut tengok time tu. Kalau tak tau dia sakit, memang kita tengok macam orang dewasa marah. Abang dia dan kawan ayah dia yang pujuk suruh masuk rumah. Moment tu macam penuh keterharuan sebenarnya, sbb kawan ayah dia tu yang sporting gila buat persembahan silat tadi, dia yang pujuk ayah dia dengan slowly and sabar tarik masuk rumah. Padahal ayah dia dah marah teruk dah. Aku terfikir satu perkara, kalau aku sakit lupa ingatan macam tu, ada orang nak kawan lagi tak? Nak layan aku lagi tak? Sebab dah macam budak-budak, siapa yang nak kawan? 

Banyak benda lagi nak tulis, sepanjang perjalanan realise banyak perkara. Tapi tu lah, kena kemas bilik pulak, dengan laundary stuffs lagi, sebab seminggu lebih air tak ada, baju 2 minggu tak berbasuh, bilik sepah macam tongkang pecah. Hahaha. 

Short escape yang menarik, walaupun benda yang dicuba hanyalah sesuatu yang ringkas dan kecil. Dan short escape yang mengajar erti syukur atas rahmat Tuhan. Salam Maal Hijrah. :)

Selamat tinggal Pahang!

Logik satu tambah satu.

Hujan renyai-renyai di luar, secawan kopi panas di sebelah. Bunyi rintikan hujan yang sentiasa dirindui. Sempurna. 

"Tidak dikatakan beriman seorang mukmin itu melainkan dia diuji"

Manusia kadang-kadang terlalu berpegang kepada perkara logik untuk kehidupan. Sebagai contoh, kita tahu 1+1=2. Dan kita berpegang dan percaya, mana mungkin 1+1 menjadi 3, 4 atau selain 2. Dan begitu juga dengan kehidupan, percaya dengan ada duit hidup akan bahagia, percaya kalau kahwin hidup akan sempurna tanpa duka, percaya akan dapat pekerjaan yang baik jika bergraduat dari universiti, percaya bahawa hidup lebih mudah jika ada persediaan yang cukup, percaya hidup tidak akan dikhianati oleh orang sangat dipercayai. Sebab mereka merasakan bahawa perkara tersebut agak mustahil untuk berlaku. Sama seperti kes 1+1.

Namun orang tak pernah terfikir "how is life when it falls apart". Sehingga mereka diuji.

Pada masa itu akal menjadi kurang rasional, merasakan takdir yang melanda merupakan satu suratan yang paling pedih, dan mula tertanya-tanya "Tuhan, mengapa begini?". Antara punca utama kenapa orang sangat mudah untuk kecewa. Kerana kepercayaan dan keyakinan yang melampau-lampau terhadap perkara yang belum tentu lagi realistik. Dan meletakkan kepercayaan kepada perkara yang tidak kekal selain dari Tuhan merupakan satu kesilapan yang paling nyata. Kita begitu yakin bahawa kepercayaan dan harapan yang kita tanam akan bertunas. Tetapi, tanpa kita sedar bahawa terdapatnya kemungkinan bahawa harapan akan mati disitu. 

Untuk melihat betapa cantiknya aturan Tuhan, kita memerlukan masa. Untuk belajar apa yang Tuhan sedang sampaikan, kita memerlukan masa. Masa bukan menyembuhkan, tetapi masa adalah untuk kita perlahan-lahan menerima takdir Tuhan. Kita tak akan pernah lupa apa yang terjadi pada diri kita, dan ia akan tetap membekas dalam hati, mungkin sampai bila-bila. Tapi daripada masa, kita mempelajari makna dari apa yang terjadi pada diri kita. Tidak semua pengharapan bertunas, tidak semua kepercayaan kekal.

Bukanlah ini bermakna kita tidak diizinkan berharap, kita tidak diizinkan percaya. Tapi sebenarnya, di manakah letaknya pengharapan dan kepercayaan kita? Pada manusia atau kebendaan duniawi atau Tuhan? Hidup kadang-kadang menyimpang dari logik, yang mana kita tak terfikir pun bahawa pada satu-satu masa tiba-tiba ia menjadi terlalu abstrak untuk difahami. Namun begitu ini bukan bermakna kita harus berhenti percaya dan berharap, cuma perletakkan harapan dan keyakinan kita haruslah pada tempat yang tepat, iaitu pada Tuhan. 

Sungguh pun begitu, hidup masih punya logik dan kita tidak boleh menolak logik seratus peratus. Sebagai contoh, kalau pemalas, mana mungkin berjaya? Kalau berbuat jahat, mana mungkin tidak akan dibalas kejahatan? Untuk semua perkara, dipenghujungnya nanti wujudnya logik. Cuma kadang-kadang dalam perjalanan kehidupan, tiba-tiba muncul perkara realisitik yang tak terjangkau oleh akal, dan bersimpang sebentar dari tanggapan kita. Seperti jika seseorang berusaha, dia akan berjaya, cuma dipertengahannya yang mungkin wujud beberapa kali kegagalan sebelum tibanya di penghujung yang logik, iaitu berjaya. Tuhan tidak pernah mensia-siakan orang yang berusaha dan tuhan tidak mensia-siakan orang berbuat kebaikan. Penuh bicara Tuhan di dalam al-Quran dengan janji-janjiNya bahawa setiap perkara ada balasannya, tidak kira baik atau jahat. 

Persimpangan yang wujud dalam kehidupan kadang-kadang merupakan satu "pintu kecemasan" yang mana tuhan telah menyelamatkan kita dari satu jalan yang kita fikir betul, tapi hakikatnya salah. Bukankah itu satu rahmat, bahawa Tuhan masih memandang kita dengan penuh kasih sayang? Maka, untuk apa perkara sekali pun, bertawakallah pada Tuhan, supaya hati tidak retak seribu apabila kekecewaan melanda, apabila harapan tidak membuah hasil, apabila keyakinan kita dijatuhkan. 

Bersangka baiklah pada Tuhan untuk setiap perkara yang terjadi yang mungkin jauh dari logik akal kita, dan kadang-kadang mungkin sukar untuk kita terima kenyataan. Letakkan logik pada nombor dua, letak ketentuan dan perancangan Tuhan pada nombor satu. Kerana untuk apa pun yang berlaku, sekuat mana pun kita merancang, takdir jua akan menang. 

Apabila berharap, maka berharaplah pada Tuhanmu.

Aminah, 10.20 pagi.

Kolej Ungku Omar.

K.i.n.d.

I am writing this today, since my thesis draft had no progress and i start get frustrated. One week (last week) was totally burned and my mood was simply swung and swayed. Dengan demam, dengan orang minta tolong itu dan ini, dengan tiba-tiba laptop problem, and yaaa pop! habis seminggu. Taktau la nak habaq macam mana frust tu, tapi memang frust la. Even i just realized that "frustrated" is exact word to express my mood right now when Nusrat was trying to continue my word while i was talking with her this morning. I am getting frustrated, because time keep on running and i still standing on same place. It's kind of wasting time, because it should had at least a few progress and still, the draft was showed nothing. 

Ini orang panggil "sedih melarat".

The actual is, i knew it was not only causes by my draft, but other things that happened to me before. Labmate yang takmau cakap and selfish tinggalkan labmatenya yang tengah down teruk ini menulis tesis sambil jatuh merangkak-rangkak, member lama yang terasa and tak reti paham situasi kita yang tengah strunggle macam orang gila and ingat kita ada banyak masa and duit nak hangout sekali macam dia - even dah minta maaf still tak paham, dengan serabut tesis ni, dengan banyak benda lain berbangkit (mara, jpa, family, etc) is it okay if i sad for longer time? Boleh dak nak lantak ja semua orang ini, because i just tired for caring this kind of people too much. And these people has made changes on myself - as i getting scared to apologize to people anymore because whenever i asked the apologize, they were ignoring, and they just thinking they were right, the apologize has rising up their pride and the they become more ego in the way that they looked myself as looser and the one who fault. 

Most of people will said, "don't trust people easily, backstabbers are everywhere" but somehow still, i really love one of quote that i had read before,

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness. 

-Kunt Vonnegut.

Because i believed that kindness will always win. I believed kindness will attract other kindness. And one more important part is,

Those who are kind and considerate to Allah's creatures, Allah bestows His kindness and affection on them. Show kindness to the creatures on the earth so that Allah may be kind to you.

-Abu Daud, Tarmizi.

Allah has made His promise. Sometimes holding such of these concept would made you not give up doing kind to people and spreading love everywhere. There are someday i prayed a lot, whenever happened to me, don't let me give up on being kind and sincere, and hope that God always make me keep on trusting His promises. Redha apa yang Allah tentukan, senyum dan ciptakan bahagia. (Walaupun sekarang ni tak ada lah bahagia sangat pun lagi. Tak pa lah depa buat kat kita cemni pun. Sobs)

And yes, kindness will make you looked beautiful too.  :)

*****

Footnote: That is the reason why last month i still can sorted and arranged all of his glasswares and other of his stuffs on his table yang bersepah-sepah tu, clean his table nicely (dah meja kita berdepan kan) even actually i was mad at him like crazily. Sampai kak auni terkejut tengok meja dia bersih. K.

Blessing day

Yesterday, me and other 2 labmates were having some of really light lunch together (sebab semua xlalu belaka nak makan), some sandwiches and fruits. Usually we love to share part of our problems while having our food together; major was about research and some minor topics about family, scholar, country and other things too. It's actually kind of habit within us. And somehow yesterday, the conversation was going into deeper and that was brought us into state of emotional. Yes, we're totally cried with that. Even actually i quite surprised when i saw my pakistani labmate was crying too and watching her crying even just made me want to cry more (because she is the strongest one between us). We were discussing a lot of problems, until we can't hold ourselves from not being emotional. 

Coincidentally our sv came to lab after few hours later, and we shared our problems, one was crying while talking, me and the other one were almost burst into tears. And prof was trying to give some suggestions. As prof went out, all three of us were crying again (and this time happily crying) and had a group hug together, such a long warm hug that we ever did for 2 years spending time together in lab. Dah mcm kanak2.  That was one of the most relief feeling that i ever had. The problem was not really solved, but somehow it made us feel better. Dan titisan hujan menjadi saksi untuk drama2 hari ini.

So, what i've learned yesterday,

1. It's precious when you got someone to cry with you. Even it's more precious if they still stay with you. Through thick and thin.

2. How Allah's plan is too beautiful, sometimes maybe we might argue on our fate but Allah knows better, and you will melt by the way He loves you.

3. Never expect people who are laughing during day are not crying during night. They might hide everything inside, and put fake smile and act everything is fine during day. (and this is actually happened to mylab.)

Bismillah, i'm letting off all my feelings, keep on spreading love, stop chasing on something that was not belong to me, never giving up in being kind, and start focus on aims. Wallahi i melted, melted with Your love. Im grateful on what You've gave to me, surrounded with kindness and love.

#catatan21syawal.

Random Ramadhan # 4

It feels good to be at home.

And yes. It totally out of expectation. Sampai rumah tak berhenti cakapnya,dari petang, sampai ke bukak puasa sampai ke malam. Siap buat list lagi kuih raya tercalon bakal duduk di meja ruang tamu lagi raya tahun ni. I start talking with my sisters, laughing, and all of us were very excited trying new baju raya. The most awesome thing. Hari pertama dekat rumah, aku bangun awal kot (i mean lepas subuh tak tidur, lepas tu terus hadap draft tesis). Dah la bangun awal, pastu mandi awal pulak tuuuu. <--- sangat bukan aminah di sini. Hari pertama jalan, hari kedua ketiga collapse. K. But, it quite feel good to wake up earlier, just like spirit up ourself with positivity and enthuasiasm.

I'm just glad, a part of me is coming back.

Tapi tipu juga tu, sendu jugak lah tiap-tiap lepas solat. Haha. K. Slow down, I'm trying, okay? Even i'm trying to stop talking even discussing about this. Sebab aku rasa orang akan menyampah, oleh itu, selagi orang tak tanya, makanya tak payah cakap. Even i not really sure i can endure myself when talk about this, I feel good to be like this, at least tak merosakkan mood orang sekeliling. Biasanya aku menangis senyap-senyap. Tak pa kot nangis senyap dekat kat belakang, it kinda release the stress and sadness. 10 terakhir Ramadhan ni macam kena banyak nangis sikit, bagi insaf tu senang terasa. 

Maybe i was expecting too much for each of things, and those expectations are killing me slowly.

Oh btw 26 haribulan lepas geng ex-hostellite ada reunion untuk 1 dekad (since 2006, time tu form 3). Tak banyak berubah sangat pun, and masing-masing still ketawa kuat macam dulu. Everything perfectly followed the plan, unless dulu plan nak buat dekat times square, tapi tukar jadi dekat Dumbledees dekat USM. Cuma tak semua pun yang datang, disebabkan kerja, belajar dan tinggal luar Penang, makanya susah nak balik waktu tu. Terasa seronok, entah la, macam menggamit balik memori lama. Especially ada geng-geng yang jarang jumpa, tapi bila dah jumpa still boleh ramah macam dulu, and tak awkward, rasa macam, awesomenyaaa.

Kemudiannya, hujung Ramadhan ini mak pun dah start kerah buat kuih, and sangat penattt. Feelingnya lebih kurang macam packing goodies masa kenduri rumah fathi dulu sampai 2 3 pagi, tapi nasib baik kuih raya tak macam tu. Cuma bila buat tengah puasa, ia  agak menggoncang iman dengan penat tahan lapar dan dahaga. Huuuu. Belum lagi masuk bab kemas rumah. Kemas bilik, cuci tingkap, buang sawang habuk segala bagai, mop lantai, tukar langsir. Allahu, tercabut pinggang den. Dengan cuaca panas semacam di Penang dua tiga menjak ni menyebabkan buat kerja 10 minit pun terus rasa letih dengan dahaga sangat-sangat.

Ramadhan kali ni terasa sangat cepat. Ramdhan, boleh tak stay lama lagi sikit?



pointless, hopeless, #catatanramadhan20

Random Ramadhan # 3

Lagi 4 hari nak balik rumah. Tak tahu la nak rasa excited ke tak. Sebab ada rasa berbelah bahagi. Rasa nak balik pun ada, tak nak balik pun ada. Tak nak balik tu bukan apa, alasannya sebab tak puas lagi nak menyendiri. Rasa macam nak lepaskan perasaan tu seorang diri. Kalau balik rumah, rasa macam tak tenang, sebab tv (k, marilah salahkan tv. -_-"). Sebab last balik rumah hari tu, rasa serabut bila dengar bunyi tv. Macam tak boleh go on walaupun tv tengah tayang cerita lawak. Last-last, mesti lari ke ruang tamu utama (sebab rumah ada 2 ruang tamu), and baca something atau online fb. Tapi dengar la jugak bunyi tv tu. Jadi sebab tu tak rasa nak balik sangat kali ni. Balik awal ni pun semata nak pergi reunion sekolah, kalau tak memang akan balik lambat lagi, macam nak habiskan ramadhan kat sini, sebab duduk rumah nanti leka and banyak tidurrr.

Hati, fikiran macam sudah melayang tak tentu arah, banyak sangat fikir dan 24 jam fikir benda yang sama buat rasa emosi sentiasa dalam keadaan dim. Kadang-kadang tak semena-mena rasa nak menangis, rasa nak luah semua benda, tapi bila fikir balik, entah la, macam worthless untuk diluahkan. Macam tak ada benda nak dipertikaikan lagi, dan kalau bercakap sekalipun, it doesn't fix the situation anymore. Totally unworthy. 

In consideration, ada juga terfikir nak revert balik semua post ceritabukukoko kepada draft, tapiii... (k, nampak dak susah benar nak move on?) Bukan setakat susah, malah aku sendiri yang memang sengaja tak nak move on. Rasa sayang nak move on. Because once moved, everything will deleted. And the reason why it's difficult to move on maybe because there is still hope rooted there. 

"Kesilapan kita yang terbesar di bulan Ramadhan adalah kurang berdoa."

Rasa terkesan bila baca ayat dekat twitter. Sejak baca tu, asyik kerap doa. 

Ramadhan kali ni juga banyak belajar untuk terima takdir, walaupun apa yang kita jangkakan tak sama seperti apa yang direncanakan. Kadang-kadang kita nak sangat benda A jadi, tapi yang jadinya B. Terus terang, doa yang paling banyak disebut adalah doa untuk sentiasa positif dengan perancangan Tuhan, doa minta Allah yakinkan bahawa apa yang Dia rancang ni paling terbaik dan minta Allah memperlihatkan hikmah untuk setiap rencana walaupun hakikatnya dalam keadaan hati sekarang, memang sukar nak nampak hikmah. Dan yang paling selalu, doa agar dipermudahkan urusan. Untuk semua. 

Sehingga kini, doa yang sama tidak pernah putus, malah ada doa-doa tertentu, air mata ikut tumpah sekali.

Yakin Aminah. Allah's plan always has His own beauty.
Dan sentiasa ikhlas.

Moga hati sentiasa dijaga. #catatanramadhan8

Random Ramadhan # 2

After almost 2 weeks Khitam went back to her hometown, finally yesterday she came to lab - as she promised to me she will met me on Monday. At the moment, i was so excited, and crying while hugging her (dah macam balik setahun gayanya -.-") and asking her why she leaving such a long time while i was alone here. I don't know, it's something relief when seeing her and she was so happy and kisses me few times (i think almost 2-3 minutes of hug). Such a long hug i ever had i guessed. 

So, as she was came back from Iraq, she bought for me a new scarf from there. It's so beautiful, peach colour with small flowers on it. There are also sweets like dates, dahnil (sorry, not sure exact name, it's made up from sugar) and manna wa salwa (pernah dengar tak? dalam quran ada. :) ) and also some mixed nuts which are very famous there. I'm very happy, ya Allah, tak tahu nak cakap macam mana, dia macam relief sangat, because i'm always crying alone in lab so bila dia balik rasa macam lega. We were talking, and sharing a few things happened here and there.

There is one thing make me in teary while we were talking as she ask me what is my next plan after finished my MSc. She spontaneously said, "get married first before PhD " (even i dont say that i will furthering for PhD). I was laughing, but, at the same time there is a sigh at the end of my laugh. 

"InsyaAllah, you are nice, you are kind and you are sweet-hearted. You will meet someone. "

Entah la, bila dapat word "kind" tu, rasa macam soft sangat- and yes, khitam said it with softly. Somehow it feels like satisfying, it like make me know that i not make people uncomfortable or uneasy, and i feel being appreciated. This is not kind of riak, cuma, entah, tak tahu la nak cakap macamana. Macam bila kita buat kerja dengan baik, and people said, you've done a good job. Macam tu la kot feelingnya? But still, i realized i am not a good person. and when she said i'm kind, it reminds me with 2 of my bestfriends too who are really kind, even more kind than me, which always help people sincerely and be kind and nice with others. And I learned from them in being pure person. Easily say, being ikhlas.

Balik bilik lepas tu terus ciwi dengan shawl. Okay aminah. -_-"

***** 

Ya Allah, permudahkan urusan kami. #catatanramadhan2

Random Ramadhan # 1

Yesterday i went to masjid UKM to perform my taraweh, and at the same time take chance for breaking fast there too. So, while waiting for maghrib, i was sitting in circle with others (since there was makan berdulang) and read few pages of surah al-a'raf. Somehow, when on the second page my eyes was getting burst into tears and i almost cried without any reasons. The emotions was suddenly coming from deep down there. 

Remarkably, seeking for His way and guidance were actually not easy and it's not coming by just praying once. It must keep on, with full of worship and believe that He won't let us down there. Sebab hati itu berbolak balik. 

Ya Allah, keluarkan aku dari belenggu hitamku sendiri. 

Catatan Ramadhan #1

Selesai cuti, terubat hati?

Secara konklusinya, tak pasti sebenarnya adakah balik cuti kali ni betul acah-acah ibarat mengubat hati yang lara, sebab aku rasa sama (cuma kurang la sikit kot rasa sedih tu?).

Agak lega sebenarnya sebab sepanjang cuti tak ada soalan "bila nak habis belajaq?" dan "apa cerita pasai dia?" (oh, i guessed you knew who i mean). Ibarat doa termakbul. Memang sebelum balik bercuti dah doa siap-siap, oh Tuhan, janganlah ada manusia tanya pasal itu dan ini. Sebab dah boleh rasa jiwa memang tak boleh tahan. Rasa boleh menangis terus kalau orang tanya. Terlalu rapuh. To be honest, I'm not really willing and ready to share anything. Because i realized that i've started make people surround me feel uncomfortable, annoyed, and anything related with that. 

The heartache was too strong, even i was wondering if i could endure myself with all of these things this time. It's like have been shattered, broken, and unfixed. I am crying almost everyday, especially after prayers (even actually i couldn't remember how many times i've cried), seeking for His forgiveness and reclaiming for a new heart. Tell me, how can i think this is just fleeting? I lost almost all of my confidence, my supports, even lost myself exactly like have been strayed. Sometimes i hate myself for being such as this emotional, but wallahi, i just can't avoid it.

How can you endure yourself, when the person who always talk and share deep things with you is now being quiet without you know any reasons?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who support you all over the time, care about you and always tell you there is a hope is now become just become invisible like doesn't care?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who use to make jokes everyday to make sure you smile everyday and had laugh with you now become the most egoist person in your life?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who memorized each of every small things of yours is now being like doesn't know you before this?
How can you endure yourself, when the person who act like want you so much yesterday, appreciate and accept yourself in every single edge and side, suddenly make you feel like so unwanted today?

Just tell me, how.

There were so much untold stories and unspoken feelings that slowly sabotaging the mind. Sometimes memories were running in mind, teasing and torturing the emotions. It was hard, fighting to be strong to build up back the confidence, and at the same time controlling and soften the heart to accept His fate and destiny, put the trust and relying everything to Him as He is the only Healer.

When i was attending on my cousin wedding, i was not thinking much, even it was actually failed in initiating or influencing myself for getting married as soon as her (maybe because of my dimmed mood and also been caught by flu and cough which spoiled my mood even more), although she and her husband were like having an ultimate happiness in life. I was stuck here, in my master life and emotions, which always make me not to think rationally. I was easily getting scared even just to write a sentence for thesis. Confusion are everywhere, and there is always things that i was not really sure too. Thinking that how i will debate for the viva with these unsure things make me feel scared, terrified, and often cry with worries. Somehow i really hope there is no one who will ask me about my master, except for those who really care.

There is also one time that i feel guilty for my friends, siblings and relations, because of not really in my mood when enjoying moments together, and not really in their shoes when they were telling their problems. I was trying to put myself there, but somehow i just cannot like there is something that prevent myself for doing that. Bad me, really sorry for that.

Exactly like the darkness waiting for the sunlight, so am i, waiting for something miracle to shine back the life. Looking back for happiness that has been taken away. May Allah lead the way, in making life meaningful for Him. I realized Allah knows the best, but to be positive in every second is not easy. Allah. It's swinging too random, and too much until uncontrollable.

Pray for me.

p.s.: Before i forget, barakallahumma for Kachik and her husband, may Allah grant both of you with blessings, and may both you live happily ever after.

*sorry, too much "i".